News - The Lunchtime Bonus Question
Posted on December 31, 2007
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The winner of this week’s Lunchtime Achievement Award and the prize keyring is Stuart Cowley, aka Stu, for his shamefully wrong question on Wednesday. Accepting his award he said: “An almost worthy replacement for my lost Blue Peter badge.”
LBQ roll of shame
To mark the first anniversary of the LBQ, you were invited to enter an extra contest to write a story using as many of the answers from the past year in no more than 150 words. Extra points were awarded for being convincing and references to current events.
List of winning entries
Friday’s answer is “A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF SCIENCE” Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included: An astrophysicist’s coping mechanism? If all the brainpower devoted to generating wrong answers for the LBQ was spent on useful science like the near-sightedness of dogs, how much additional science could be accomplished each Friday? Andrew Culley, from Grantham: as far as Flux Capacitors are concerned, you seem to be saying that when they work theyre brilliant, but I am going to put it to you that your observation lacks what? Rik Waller BSc MSc How does Peter Mandelson keep bouncing back - is it black magic or ….. A not so brief history of time? What do tabloids omit in technological stories? I have found that giving retractable pencils and set squares to small children merely results in damage to wallpaper and trips to the hospital. What does creating designer babies actually require? What’s the difference between an Honorary Doctorate and a Nobel Prize? What does it take to dunk the algorithmically perfect biscuit? If ignorance is bliss, what is misery? Staying “naturally beautiful and slim” takes what? The report into the intelligence gathering prior to the Iraq war show that the infamous dossier contained a lot of assumption and spin as opposed to what? Science Fiction minus Fiction equals? SCIENC ? Largin’ IT? What, in simplistic terms, is the space / time continuum? So apart from beards, bad fashion sense, and outdated hairstyles, what have scientists really done for us? The difference between first world and third world? Boris Becker’s haircut? What did it take to engineer and manufacture the LBQ keyring? There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, Four and twenty blackboards chalked with pi? A hard lesson to swallow? What is needed to win an encyclopedia of baseball? The one thing we know for sure that black holes contain? What do you give an airhead who’s got everything? What do Etonians call double physics followed by double chemistry followed by double biology ?
How an BA student perceives a BSc Degree? All wrong. The correct question was how did the makers of a proposed TV programme defend their show which is going to set one man’s sperm against another’s in a race for fertilisation.
Thursday’s answer is “I AM LOOKING LIKE AN AIRHEAD” Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included:
If space hoppers could talk? Bad translation of ‘that bubbly must have gone straight to my head’?
Head Zeppelin? What does a girl with a windfarm on her head say Why am I speaking in speech bubbles About time - I’ve been waiting all week for the caption competition Who is Bill Payer? What’s another way of saying, “I still support the war but, knowing what I know now, would vote against it”? Martha’s worst fear? One downside of being in charge at Swanwick? When there is light at the end of the tunnel (that goes from one aural canal to the other)? Last year my older brother told me of a band from the sixties called “Tractor”. He said that they were bigger than the Beatles and more shocking than the Sex Pistols, but, strangely he had none of their records. I asked him why? He said that he had sold them all years ago and that he was no longer a fan of theirs…that they had sold out, big time. Until quite recently I have been telling my mates at school that my brother was an “Ex-tractor Fan” as they all giggled. From where I’m standing I look like what? Yes… Seventy-two submissions to the LBQ, and not one published. Wait a minute, what’s that ‘Send’ button for? The pneu black?
Lucy in the sky with cubic zirconias? What’s an airhead? Bibendum? New breed of superteacher fuelled by a 78 /21 Nitrogen, Oxygen mix? ( Is East Anglia in Spain? And the bottom line of the eye-chart Mr President? (snigger). Well I’ve heard about being puffy under the eyes, but this is ridiculous. Why can’t I find what I am looking for? How I hide my plans for world domination? Typical. I make one comment about women not cleaning behind the fridge enough, and what’s the result? I am female, I am blonde. To the latest garage mechanic to try to rip me off, this means what? What statement follows asking who Bill Payer is? What did the airhead forget to say? All wrong. The correct question was why does Imelda Marcos oppose a new film about her spending habits.
Wednesday’s answer is “FRIENDLY BUT POWERFUL” Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included: please… Sharon Watts? What is a half-correct description of Canada? Lime Cordial?
Why are the Red Arrows so popular? The King of Hearts? When you send your kids to weighlifting camp in the US, they come back aloof, powerful, and with an Austrian accent. When you send your kids to the same type of camp in Britain, they come back…? Vlad the Home Improver? David Banner’s personal ad? Atomic Kitten?
Tidal wave? Pol Pet? (I apologise in advance for the sugaryness of this question) - A smile? An Intercontinental Holistic Missile? The Daleks on a bank holiday? A Pedigree Chum? Fortunately for you all, the voices in my head? The Incredibly Nice Hulk? First impressions from seeing Candace showing off her (well deserved) LBQ keyring? Bruce Forsyth’s Generator Game? How should a good deli smell? A sheep in wolf’s clothing? The Goodfather? A nuclear family ? Blond bombshell?
How would you best describe hand-reared garlic? The Charge of the Polite Brigade? Suggest two qualities that might be equally advantageous in a god or a dog? Nice Admiral? The nicest way to describe my, ahem, handshake. Brothers With Arms? Joules Holland? Elephants on dope ? Friends in high places? Fluffy the vampire slayer? Ming the mirthful? Cabbie John Sheen’s opinion of his client yesterday? New slogan for Toilet Duck? Rover 75 is… A wolf in sheep’s clothing? What do you call a labrador with a machine gun? Firm friends? Jennifer Aniston How would you describe an MP near to elections? All wrong. The correct question was how do people see the BBC, according to a study conducted for a government review.
Tuesday’s answer is “WHEN THEY WORK, THEY’RE BRILLIANT” Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included:
Striking colours? Perpetual motion devices? When writing a reference, how can you appear positive whilst conveying that the prospective employer should avoid the applicant like the plague? The Charm of the Light Brigade? It seems almost foolishly dangerous to fly nine Hawk jets in close formation at 400mph, but… Hold up stockings, strapless bras? Racing tips? 69-year-old employees? What was Snow White’s pitch to the gangmaster? Computers are so FRUSTRATING! Why have they become so popular? There are lies, dammned lies and statistics. But, the thing about statistics are what? What do you think of the condoms being given to the athletes at the Olympics? Hops, yeast, sugar, malt, water? “Resting” actors? Lottery tickets. Discuss. What do you reckon to those sketches from The Fast Show with that guy who says everything’s brilliant? So what do you make of all those novelties then? …? What about Public Inquiries, Private Inquiries, House of Commons Committees, Collective Responsibility, Ministerial Responsibility, an informed Cabinet, Democracy, Parliament, MPs, Intelligence, Caveats, , Integrity (sorry got carried away there!) Before “I love it when a plan comes together” what did Hannibal think of the A-Team’s first, tentative, heroic efforts? Flux capacitors? Smell chequers? So Mr Blair, what do you think of the intelligence community? My LBQ submissions never get published but… What do the ACME Rocket Sled, ACME 10 miles of Railroad and ACME Giant Magnet have in common? What have you heard about my co-workers? Why do they call them diamond geezers? What are plans to catch the pigeon?
Holiday reps? So David, how are the penalties coming along? What are home security lights - aka cat detectors? Ideas for cooling the Tube. Discuss. “Are the patrol car lights working, PC Jones?” What are teenagers doing summer holiday jobs? Why should you always show your working? What are planes, trains, and automobiles? What do you think of my new light bulb? All wrong. The correct question was how did Sir Trevor Macdonald describe his signature “and finally…” items.
Monday’s answer is “ONLY AS NOVELTIES” Entries have now closed. Wrong questions included:
Alligators in bathtubs?
How to enjoy crackers?
Can you name one argument for keeping the House of Lords?
Why did God create kangaroos?
I don’t live in Florida, so my meat hooks are?
Why do men have nipples?
In what capacity did the Muffins, the Waves, the News, the Bunnymen, the Attractions and the Bad Seeds exist in relation to Martha, Catrina, Huey, Echo, Elvis and Nick?
Should the taxpayer subsidise the Royal Family?
Shared belly-button jewellery? No, wait…
(True Story) What reason does anyone have to buy/eat/produce “dried salmon jerky” from Vancouver?
Can men wear stockings?
I’ve come up with the idea of printing books on to fabric, and wearing them round my collar. Do you think these will sell?
Manners, airs and graces in Big Brother camp?
Can the weddings of Liza Minnelli only be seen as novel ties?
Manicures in prison?
Use of ASBOS on my estate?
But you voted for Labour, didn’t you?
Curiosity killed the tat ?
When it comes to dating toyboys, what is the most important rule us girls need to remember? Treat them……..
To avoid disappointment, how should you view English sporting successes?
Use for honorary degrees?
What is the purpose of the British Athletics Team going to Athens?
Are my LBQ answers ever considered for publishing?
How should unheralded Americans be allowed to win golf’s greatest prize?
I’m a PG Tipster myself, so why do I stock my kitchen with African Redbush Peach, Classic India Spice and Flowery Oolong?
How do my children view the duster, the hoover and the lawnmower?
What use are Toy Boys?
Would Harrods put genuine diamond necklaces in Christmas crackers?
So, can we put gondolas in the Tube?
Jellied heels?
“That’s right, Brian, as we wait for Euro2004 to get under way, there’s no doubt that the Greek team has come to this competition….
With the success of the Twenty20, is it worth keeping playing the County Championship and National League?
How d’you like them apples?
Why did I wear my high heels at Glastonbury?
Getting a number-1 song at Christmas?
How do drunk college students use meat hooks, considering us natives only use them for fish??
Why does the MI5 REALLY want spies like us?
What umbrellas are for in Phoenix, AZ?
Any reason to live in Swindon? So many, so wrong. The correct question is by labelling their goods as what do shopkeepers in Texas get round that state’s obscenity laws forbidding the sale of marital aids. |
News - The Magazine Monitor
Posted on December 30, 2007
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| If the lessons of the US are anything to go by, some pretty young people will be getting nasty letters. One 12-year-old American girl was the recipient of a similar action.
WHAT? That is so unfair cos it wasn’t me or anything and anyway it was only a joke and you carn’t prove nothing anyway. Yeah but no’ but yeah, but no, but yeah. I never listened to ‘em. I never saw ‘em, it was me mam did it, she’s always listenin to the Darkness an stuff. She went out to get some fags a couple a months ago wiv ‘er latest old man and hasn’t come back yet. I dunno what she wants me to do with em. Dear mister lawyer I am very sorey but i was making a project for school about music and so its my teachers fault here is his address could you please put him in prison? thanks Yeah? And whatcha gonna do about it? You can’t touch me, I know my rights. Yeah. Right. Whatever. Derrr, I wouldn’t have downloaded Britney, she’s a girl eeuugh. Yeah, but no, but yeah, like why are you blaming me, innit!! It was dat Sharon Michaels fault, cos like she showed Darren Watson her boob and she’s a minger. Anyway, I don’t even know, cos it wasn’t me….. I wasn’t me, It was my Dad. But I though the Manic Street Preachers was an online church. Honest We are’nt supposed to download free music? I was out sick that day. Dear Mister Lawyer I actually own all the CDs, but my mate Dave borrowed them, then his gran thought they were records and broke them by putting them on her gramaphone. I was going to pick them up off her, but I missed the bus and Dave put them all in the bin. I managed to recover three out of 1,398 CDs, but on the way back they got stolen by magpies. Sorry. Yeah like woteva, my posse done it wen I won looking. U R so wrong No I neva. FInk I’m bothered - I hate you - Fascist! I don’t even use the computa. Mum must av dun it! I was put under too much peer-to-peer pressure. What IS the big deal!? I mean, look, GET REAL!! Didn’t YOU ever borrow anything?? What’s the diff - I’m not hurting anyone, NOMESAIN? Geesh!! Get a LIFE - and, besides, the quality SUCKS, guys! love, Samantha Link to this item
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Going anywhere nice this year?, 7 October) is shown in the price guide. “1 day 1 seal costs 120. For those who want a longer break however: Four days and two seals costs 650.” Vicky East London I was going to quibble that Chernobyl is not the “scene of the world’s worst nuclear disaster”, until I realised that you’re probably counting Hiroshima, Nagasaki and all the nuclear test sites as successes. Monetary amounts in BBC News stories: is there any chance we could have some consistency with financial values quoted in the stories? Please either use Sterling (with euro then dollar values in parentheses) or euro (with Sterling then dollar amounts); I just can’t understand why a European news site has to quote dollar amounts first. Re: Deer’s 25-mile bumper road trip, 7 October. I’ve heard of being carjacked, but this must be the first recorded muntjacking.
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Winning captions in this week’s caption competition.
This week Tory leader Michael Howard met a Beatles tribute band at the party’s conference in Bournemouth, but declined an offer to be pictured holding one of their guitars
6. John, London
No thanks, I’m the leader of the Shadows.
5. Gareth Williams, Netherlands
That standards were higher than ever in this years Anne Widdicombe lookalike competition.
4. Stuart Cane, Wales
He had something of the Hard Day’s Night about him
3. Lorraine Jones
HELP!
2. Stuart Martin Scotland
Are you sure you can play Elgar?
1. Lucy, UK
So, you’re Busted, are you?
Jon, London
I’ve been puzzling over the quote “After all, it’s life only, but it’s never been written this way” (the Magazine’s Quote of the Day on Thursday), but I still can’t make any sense of what its supposed to mean. Is President Bush now writing for Rolling Stone magazine?
Martin H, St , France
I have regarded Teflon as dangerous to health (Teflon’s sticky situation, 7 October) ever since I became aware that our beloved Prime Minister appears to be coated in it!
John Mander, Coulsdon, UK
According to the article entitled School bans “nut allergy” conkers (7 October), the food advisor to the Anaphylaxis Campaign is named Hazel. Other employees? How about Al Mond, Coco, or Persephone (”Just call me ‘P’.̶
Kathy D, Toronto, Canada
David, UK
On the meaning of life according to 82ask (The future of facts, 4 October), 42 is not in fact Douglas Adam’s version of the meaning of life but the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything. The meaning of life is a completely different thing altogether.
Tom, Edinburgh, UK
Another story of racism in NI ( Residents object to Chinese centre, 5 October) - seems like they pop up with disturbing regularity. Nimby doesn’t get you anywhere but isolated and alone. I hope the Chinese cultural centre finds a home (and good neighbours) very soon.
Pamela, Vancouver, Canada
Re Faces of the Week, 1 October: shame on you, being the organisation who broadcast the Fast Show. As everyone knows, the phrase was “Suit you, sir”, not, as on your webpage, “Suits …”
Derek Savory
Jon, UK
An open letter to Joanne Beale (re Monday’s Monitor Sunday, 3 October): it’s perfectly possible to witness something as an historic event.
Plenty of people watched the first moon-landing live and were aware that it was historic. To witness historical events, on the other hand, does require .
But yes, historic is frequently used hyperbolically and should in many cases be replaced by one of the words you suggest.
Ed Mann, Helsinki
New Yorker has been finding out.
But naturally the BBC is not responsible for the content of external websites.
Jel
Brussels
I’m not surprised council workers in Aylesbury mistakenly put Christmas trees up too early (Christmas trees go up too early, 1 October). My local supermarket has artificial trees and crackers on the shelves now too.
Tom Marshall, Cardiff, Wales
An open letter to news broadcasters and publishers globally. It is impossible for something to be witnessed at the time as an historic event. It is however possible to witness something which will become an historic event. The question we have to ask is “Do journalists have a secret way of time travelling?” The answer I expect is No. So in order to save the world from pain due to overuse of this word I would like to present
Other Words that can be used instead of Historic:
Thank-you for your time
Joanne Beale
London
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News - Easing the pain of a break-up
Posted on December 29, 2007
Filed Under Dating tips, Dating advices | Leave a Comment
Even the rich and famous have difficulty stopping the end of a relationship disintegrating into acrimony and recrimination.
The home secretary’s bitter break-up with his lover has spilled onto the front pages in recent days, even calling his job into question. The aftermath of the breakdown of the Prince and Princess of Wales’s marriage is still making headlines, more than 10 years after they separated.
A break-up is undoubtedly a bleak event for all involved, but is there a way of managing them so they don’t spiral out of control? Relationship counselling groups Relate and Couple Counselling Scotland think there are some strategies for lessening the damage.
If you have decided it’s time to leave, try to think about how to break the news. “In an ideal world you would be calm and sensible, you’d sit down and say you should leave, you’re not happy, it’s time to go,” says Relate counsellor Christine Northam.
“But most people don’t do that, they leave a note, or have a huge row and storm out.”
When you do talk, says Relate, you should be honest and . Don’t use vague euphemisms to soften the impact, as they can just be confusing.
And try to tell your partner how you feel without blaming them or listing their inadequacies such as how boring, selfish or unattractive they are.
“This can be tricky but it is a very useful way of owning your feelings,” says Relate. If you’ve just been dumped, do try to find out what went wrong.
It may be excruciating, but unless you know what happened to your relationship, you won’t be able to change things in the future.
“Use it as a learning experience, so you can understand what went wrong and build self-awareness,” says Christine Northam.
“Then you are better equipped for future .”
So communication is clearly the key to managing a break-up.
But if your ex simply stonewalls you and refuses to talk, you will have to communicate with other people.
Call in the support of friends, family - or even the , says Relate’s Christine Northam. “You’ve been rejected big time, you feel angry and alone, you need support.” You can go to relationship counselling by yourself - about a third of Couple Counselling Scotland’s (CCS) clients are there on their own, says chief executive Hilary Campbell.
And a word of warning from Ms Campbell on the matter of talking - if you are still with your ex, leave the e-mails and texts for the practical stuff, and don’t be tempted to use them to talk about your feelings.
“You can’t convey emotions with them, they’re black and white and they can be there forever. Whereas if you say something and it comes out wrong you can clarify it, and take it back - a bit. It’s much easier to talk about feelings face to face.”
If you’ve been dumped, it’s easy to flail around blaming everyone - your ex, yourself, the person you suspect them of having an affair with, and so on. But if you can, avoid this, says Relate.
“It may seem tempting… but this will not help you work out why the affair has happened.” And instead of blaming yourself, work on boosting your self-esteem. If your self-confidence is shot to pieces, you can start to heal yourself with simple steps like pampering yourself with a gift, reminding yourself of good times and things you’ve been successful at, and setting yourself small goals to achieve.
But what about revenge? Should you give in to your impulse to cut up your ex’s suits, post rude messages about them on websites, leak things about them to the newspapers or other such things? Is that cathartic and therapeutic, or otherwise?
Relate’s Christine Northam thinks that depends on the degree to which you take it. “It’s healthy to be angry, it’s part of the loss process and it’s good to have a spit and a shout, if it’s done in a safe way,” she says. “But it can be really vicious and that’s not such a good thing.
“Don’t slag him off to his mates, don’t get into a War of the Roses kind of thing. Blame them in a safe environment, but don’t burn your bridges.”
There’s nothing wrong with having a few drinks or scoffing half a pound of chocolate to make you feel better, says Christine Northam - but be aware, it may backfire.
“Getting drunk might seem like a good idea at the time, but alcohol is a depressant and you may wake up the next morning feeling worse,” she says. “If you carry on doing it, if you’re coming home from work night after night and opening a bottle then something is wrong and it’s time to get help because you’re blocking out your feelings. “You can’t think straight when you’re drunk and you do need to think straight at times like these.”
If you’re raw from a break-up you may be tempted to throw yourself into a string of one-night stands, or a whole new relationship, to make yourself feel better. Is this a good idea?
“No, definitely not,” says Christine Northam.
“Lots of people rush straight into another relationship without understanding what went wrong with the first one.
“A period of mourning is a good idea. Mourning takes lots of energy, and if you don’t do the work, if you put it off because you’re putting your energies into a new relationship, it can come back and bite you later.”
Wait until dating feels “comfortable” again, she says - and don’t feel pressured by others to get into a couple because you’re more fun that way at dinner parties.
Practical matters like houses and money are huge issues when relationships break up - especially if you have been living together. “If you split up you will both be poorer,” says Hilary Campbell. If nothing else, the cost of running two mortgages, two cars, even two kettles, can mean there is a lot less money around for nice things like holidays and hobbies.
It can also lead to huge rows when you try to work out who gets what, and one or both of you may feel you’ve been ripped off. And this is where mediation services can come in.
Even if you don’t have children, mediators can help you sort out with property and finance in a way you’re both reasonably happy with.
You are first seen separately to say what you’d like to happen, and then together, where the mediators help you explore ways of meeting, as far as possible, both your needs. Most parents find it extremely difficult to know how to approach their children about a break-up.
But many organisations, including Relate, CCS and children’s charity NCH, have advice on how to lessen the pain. “The first thing is to tell them you love them and that it’s not their fault. A lot of children assume it’s their fault,” says Hilary Campbell.
Next, you should keep them informed of what is going on in language they can understand.
“Tell them what’s going on, and let them ask questions, otherwise they’ll end up making their own stories,” she says.
And don’t put off doing anything about your failing relationship because you don’t know how to tackle the children.
“A lot of people find it so difficult they put off doing anything about it, but the most damaging thing of all for children is continued parental conflict,” she says.
You will also need to agree with your ex who the children will live with, how often you will see them and so on.
If things get difficult, you could head to a family mediation service, which helps parents come to agreements about matters such as residence and contact. Try not to make arrangements in the white heat of the break-up when you’re “still steaming” with anger, says Christine Northam. “If you’re so angry you won’t agree anything it’s going to end up costing you loads of money”, she says - because you’ll end up heading for a divorce lawyer. Break-ups never seem to involve just the couple involved and their children. Many people say one of the saddest aspects of a break-up is the loss of mutual friends. But this doesn’t have to be the case.
“Don’t feel you can’t be friends any more,” says Christine Northam.
“You can - as long as you don’t slag your boyfriend off to them, that’s the way to destroy relationships.”
You should try not to carry your break-up over into family relations by, for instance, refusing to let your children see your ex’s parents, warns Hilary Campbell.
That’s unfair and, even in self-centred terms, unhelpful - because you may need them as back-up in looking after the children.
“Quite often grandparents have an important role, they’re there and they’re consistent,” she says.
Going to counselling doesn’t mean you’re a failure. In fact, it’s a very sensible thing to do if you’re struggling.
“If someone’s upped and left, and you’re left behind, it’s a bit like a bereavement and counselling can help you work through the break-up,” says Hilary Campbell.
And it doesn’t necessarily involve visiting a building somewhere - most services offer phone and even online counselling, so no-one need know you’ve gone.
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Lots of people rush straight into another relationship without what went wrong with the first one
Relate
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If you split up [when you have been living together] you will both be poorer
Couple Counselling Scotland
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News - Over and out?
Posted on December 28, 2007
Filed Under Dating tips, Dating advices | Leave a Comment
| Original article ‘’
“We were alienated from the rest of the world. All the high street shops overstocked with CB. There was going to be this huge demand. It didn’t happen,” notes Mr Crumpton. Nevertheless, he maintains CB is “still alive and well” - the torch being carried by lorry drivers, off-road 4×4 enthusiasts and caravan clubs. While handheld mobile phone use is now illegal in a car, CB is not. And there is at least one area where the CB dealers might see growth. Tiverton Age Concern is using CB radio to combat the feelings of loneliness and vulnerability felt by older people living alone, often in remote areas. After the charity was left a legacy by a CB enthusiast, it issued 20 pensioners with sets. For a generation where not all are comfortable with the internet, and with many finding mobile phones too expensive, the radios are a godsend. For an hour every morning, they chat on the radio. Some even have call signs and use slang like asking for an “eyeball”, a face-to-face meeting, says Mary Healey of Age Concern. “One chap said ‘I can listen to other people talking if I want join in I can but it means the world when you are on your own and have only got the cat for company’.”
Add your comments on this story, using the form below.
All those decades ago, my younger sister (”Angel Eyes̶ I have been on and off CB since the late 80s and I can say it has been a lot of fun. There was a time when it was almost impossible to find a clear channel to talk on - not so these days! We had endless fun on Saturday evenings playing a game of hide-and-seek in our cars using just the signal strength as a finder. The person who found could then go and hide and the game would begin again. Some of the home-bound home-base locals would often listen in to our silly banter as it made them feel part of the community. One year, the local CBers were asked to chaperone the Biggleswade Carnival; we had no trouble relaying messages around the whole town. The local police gave up and used us for messaging as their radios had too many black-spots!
The current consultation from the government has a use-it-or-lose-it approach and we are being encouraged to switch to the CEPT band used in Europe; ironically the very same frequencies used by the original American rigs, but still only FM. We are not too happy with that idea as some EU countries do not regulate their radio users quite as well.10-10 till we do it again…
Never forget, these idiots used these illegal toys in the complete knowledge that they interfered with emergency radio frequencies causing deaths, aircraft landing equipment, etc and these criminals thought destroying radio controlled models was a “sport” via intentional interuption of the signals, and were menaces on the road (like using a mobile).Criminal Band radio was an accurate term.
CBs at the time were the best thing since sliced bread in an age where mobile phones were just a dream (or a brick with a mortgage) and the internet hadn’t even been thought of. The ability to “talk” to multiple people in a chat room type environment was great and FREE! As for foul or abusive language, the community policed this themselves and just refused to give abusers airtime (or drove to their location and boosted transmission power to drown them out).
Breaker One Nine - You got your ears on good buddy? Anyone recall that East Kilbride near Glasgow was known as Polo Mint City? - because it has lots of roundabouts. And a Skateboard was CB slang for a regular car. So when asked: “Breaker One Nine - What’s your Twenty?” (ie Where are you?) - I’d answer: “I’m the red skateboard heading for Polo Mint City…”
Quite agree Crazy Cat, Not just long distance drivers used it, my father had a cb radio hidden in a briefcase in his car! The illegality of it added to the fun. The whole family had handles and we used it to keep in touch. It lost its frisson when it went legal!
In response to Ian Macbeth, Leeds, the toll bridge in Selby is now free…. so does this warrant the re-naming to “Freetown”..?!!
I was born in 1981. My Dad was constantly on the CB. He was a newleywed, but paid more attention to the CB than his new family. He met another woman, started sleeping with her. It broke up my parents marriage and cost me my father. He set up home with the other woman and had a family with her. It’s much the same as the horror stories you hear about internet chatrooms nowadays! Technology changes, people don’t!
As an Army instructor in the late 1980s it was fun trying to eradicate ‘CB-speak’ from trainee radio operators! But only last Friday I went to a friend’s house and discovered he uses a CB set to keep in touch with his elderly dad down the road!
Well its still being used in Leicester and Leicester Control is still there with “Red Rust” and the gang (Hi Rob).
I had an imported AM ‘rig’ and a home made antennae. Everytime I transmitted I blanked out every television set in a quarter mile radius! I think that kit like mine was probably the reason it was illegal in the first place.
1 - 9 for a copy! When at secondary school, as recent as 15 years ago, I persuaded my parents (both original ’80’s’ CB-ers) to utilise the aerial still up that tree in the garden to give me my own CB. At that time there were still several people at school with the same idea, using their parents equipment that had been lying unused for several years. I met my now husband on the CB, and before mobile phones or SAT NAV, never went any distance in the car without plugging in the CB. Essential if you got lost - always an obliging trucker to assist. Sometimes tempted to plug back in to see if the stalwart enthusiasts are still waiting for a copy!
CB was a really big part of my teenage years. I met my now best friend on-air “Red October”. Does anybody remeber the “Fox Hunt”. We all had Minis (Mine was the best) and used to be up all through the night trying to find other cars. Those were the days hiding in the middle of roundabouts!
“DX-ers”, (long-distance CB enthusiasts), took the hobby as seriously as their licensed HAM counterparts. I spent many pleasant evenings chatting on side-band to America, Jamaica, Brazil, even Australia. OK, it was illegal, but the authorities didn’t seem to mind. The 30ft antenna towering over my house was fairly obvious!
I’m surprised that so few truckers use it now. As someone who commutes down part of the accident-prone A14 ‘Highway from Hell’, I am amazed at lorries blithely passing the A428 exit and heading up towards a Huntingdon tailback, when a CB would have warned them to divert….
When we lived in a fishing town in Scotland my two sons had CB and their not too intelligent readheaded friend had the handle ‘Red Herring’ and couldn’t understand why no one came back to him! A friend of mine’s handle was ‘Schoolboy’ so we could say Schoolboy do you copy?
In the earlie 80’s I ran a small country hotel in East Yorkshire. I found it quite amusing that young “CB’rs” would spend a couple of hours in the bar chatting to each other, then go to the car park, sit in their cars next to each other and talk to one another on their CB’s. As they say in Yorkshire “Thre’s nowt so queer as folk” I used to use the CB a lot. I spoke to guys with cool handles like ‘The Outlaw’, and ‘Spiderman’, it felt like I was part of something dangerous, a rebellion if you like. We were subverting the Government and played by nobodys rules, not even our own.
Eventually I went along to a meeting and realised I was speaking with a group of 30-something, basement dwellers who drove 50CC scooters. I sold my rig soon after, the magic was gone.
The best part of it was the names for places. My favourite was “Paytown” for Selby where there was a toll bridge.
I was very actively involved with legal CB in Leicester, with the very well known “Leicester Control” on ch23. This group of enthusiasts were famous for giving accurate directions to truckers in our area. I also wrote a monthly column for a CB Radio magazine. What killed CB was the internet and the availablility of mobile phones and computer-based communications. It was fun whilst it lasted and many CBers went on to tke the RA exams. But I never forgot Roger “Red Rust”, Jeff “Murgatroyd”, Sid “Sunray” and many, many others. Yes the bucketmouths and music-players were a pain, but I made some very good friends. It does bring back fond memories of hooning around Tamworth and surrounding villages on a pushbike with friends to arranged “eyeballs” with other “breakers”. Often it seemed that a lot of my peers while on CB radio were about 20+ years older than me but most treated my curiousity with respect and even more information.
From CB radio and the contacts I made there I joined an organisation called Search & Rescue to assist members of the public, sporting events in the town etc - which eventually evolved to become a fully fledged British Red Cross Society members unit M16. So to Prinz Eugen, The Red Baron (and Snoopy), Viking and all the others of M16 - those really were fun days of my youth!
I was a student in Leeds around 1981, trying to fly radio controlled gliders. My legal RC equipment used the correct alloted frequency of 27 Mhz or so. The illegal CB equipment used the same. This ‘CB interference’ was not appreciated by my RC glider. So, to gain some revenge back at my digs in Leeds I would wait in the evening until the local CB’ers came on the air by listening in with my ‘world bands’ capable radio / cassette and then turn on my radio contol transmitter and proceed to cause interference on their goings on. I know it worked because the incredulous voices would complain of the number ‘dB they were pulling’ dropping as I twiddled the control on my RC transmitter.
Fond cb years remembered well, sitting in your car on the highest local hill trying to call out to others on hills across the country and if you were lucky recieving copies from abroad as well, great fun in its hey day but nothing like it was. Still got mine, gathering dust in some cupboard, you never know one day it might see some copies again. ‘Over and out’. In 1981 I met my first boyfriend using my dads CB. Sitting in the car on the front drive I opened up a whole new world and a whole new group of friends, as a teenager who was bullied badly at school it was heaven to talk to people who didn’t have a clue who I was or what I looked like (or even where I was). Now my teenage daughter is on MSN night after night and we are endlessly warned about the dangers, in reality its no different to the CB, use it safely and its not a danger…
I soon left home and the fun of my dad’s CB set, however I wont ever forget cold winter nights sitting in his car chatting away feeling like any teenager anywhere, as if the world were at my feet. 10-10 till we do it again, Hot-Lips signing out.
“Illegal for no good reason” and “harmless”? Not really. The reason ‘legal’ CB was introduced, using FM (a different mode, on a very slightly different frequency), was that FM transmissions cause a lot less interference than AM (as in illegal CB). It’s as simple as that. Unfortunately, the illegal users didn’t grasp the problems that they could have been causing to legitimate, and probably a lot more important, users of the radio spectrum.
The UK legal sets have restricted power and operate on FM, which reduces the transmission range. Due to the way sunspot activity affects us the early CBers could often talk to people in the States. I know people who were into CB in the early days who subsequently passed the exams to become Radio Amateurs so they could get back to talking to people on the other side of the world.
Brilliant! I was “on the rig” for about 10 years - I had a severe stammer and it was my way of talking with people I’d (probably) never meet. As it happened, I met a girlfriend on there, and we had a great time. It was full of friendly people and I made many friends. The only downside was dismantling the 30ft antenna in my garden when a thunderstorm approached!
I remember using CB’s in the early 90s and by then it was becoming a joke - the sets were available for peanuts so many people would buy them and then mess around ‘on-air’. It just became a noisy mess where you couldn’t hold a real conversation without someone butting in and making silly comments. It was a great idea but spoiled by the same people who now cause trouble on on-line chatrooms. Technology changes - people dont…
All I remember is girls coming on air and dropping heavy hints their parents were out and why don’t you pop round to say hi. The rest of the evening consisted of a bunch of teens champing at the bit in a Vauxhall Viva outside some house realising you’d been had yet again and there were no girls, not there anyway.
It’s still going strong, especially with 4×4 owners. The license is a complete waste of money as it hasn’t gotten rid of the foul language or the music on channel 19, but it’s getting better. You’d be surprised how many people are still using it, and it’s superb on the motorway!
As a young kid living in rural Kent in the early 80s there wasn’t much to do of an evening. My memory of CB was sitting on Channel 14 - reserved for meeting other users, endlessly calling “one-four for a copy” and hoping someone would start chatting to me. In those days, people didn’t worry so much about children talking to complete strangers over the airwaves like they do now about internet chat rooms!
When off roading with others, CBs the best free all day conference call you can get and theres no limit to the number of participants. You dont get that with mobiles.
It’s still a great way to communicate between vehicles travelling closely together such as groups of truckers, caravaners, any vehicle marque clubs and for off-road driving. No cost for calling, no issues with network coverage and one person can instantly communicate to everyone else in the group. I got into CB in the early days but it’s better now because the airwaves are less cluttered and your less likely to get some idiot interupting you!
My local Mini club uses CBs to make sure we all keep in touch, how sad do we sound? We often travel a long distance to shows and rallies and it’s nice to make sure we are all headed in the right direction should we get split up in traffic. Believe me - this is an absolute god send when going through the middle of London.
It was through the interest of repairing CB and as a spin off two-way radios that I arived in my profession of communication engineering. Today I have work across Africa. That’s a big 10-4 good buddy… 10-10 till we do it again… we gone…
Please dont perpetuate the old myth that CB’s were responsible for interference on radios, TV’s, hifi’s etc - they were not in the majority of cases. The electronic equipment at the time had unsophisticated ‘front ends’ which poorly discriminated between radio and audio signals, hence it was the receivers fault.
As a 14 year old boy there was only one real reason for CB - girls. CB opened up a whole new way of finding girls and we certainly made the most of it!
My first introduction to CB was at a training session for new hunt saboteurs when a hand-held unit was passed around and experimented with. They were a godsend for co-ordinating large numbers of ’sabs’ at a single hunt and all the sab vans and Landrovers could be seen with the 5-foot aeriels. Of course the hunts soon worked this out and would buy their own units to jam us out. Everythings switched to mobile phones now.
I was a member of a CB club when I was about 12 - I didn’t think it was illegal as a) I only had 2 channels b) I could never get a signal or anyone to talk to and c) all the cool dudes had a car to put their radio in - I only had my Grifter although it was tooled up with American emergency sirens - nice.
Breaker One-Nine, what’s your 20? I Hammer’d Down on the A3 I eyeballed a Kojak with a Kodak so I pulled in behind a Suicide Jockey.
My father was a reader for the local ‘News for the Blind’ in the Deal area. Filled the gap between local newspapers and regional radio.
Breaker 1-4 for a copy? CB radio at its time was a fun thing to do. I personally met some great friends and the fun of ‘catching the skip’ and talking to CB users in other countries was just amazing. Things move on and so does technology - its in the process of being replaced by VOIP and wireless openzones, but I feel there is always a need for a general public frequency band - in what form though, who knows.
I was a CB-er for a few years in the early 80s and enjoyed it enormously. My first rig was second hand and I used to have it in my bedroom with a ‘mag mount’ attached to the radiator! I then had a 50-50 pole out the window, but I used to take it in when the wind got up. I briefly went back on air in the early 90s to avoid the road jams, but it was not the same. Good days - ‘What’s yer 20?’ ‘I’m on yer back door good buddy.’ Looking back I must have sounded an idiot!
Being a “radio ham” (and taken the Morse test) on air officially, we had our own share of idiots who transferred to CB to be “rebelious”. Mobiles and text are cheaper, and with Internet phones, will return to the few as before who experiment and who - ironically push forward communications as we now know it.
Half the fun of CB was because it was illegal - and illegal for no good reason. It was a harmless and fun way to cock a snook at authority. 10-10 ’til we do it again, good buddies.
In my experience the only use that people made of their CB sets was talking about their CB sets to other owners!!
I remember the CB craze. Only a few (richer)kids in our school ever got involved, as the cost was enormous. A large antena was needed and the cost of the equipment was a lot(in those days) for people counting out their pocket money. A few boffs would venture to Tandy’s and buy stuff but it was never as big a craze as people said it was with the young- more with 20+ age group- and they were working people who were just a bit sad and imagined they were trucking an 18 wheeler. Come in rubber duck! Very much like a Sinclair C5 - rare as chickens teeth
Talk about government control! People find a way of making the world smaller and benefitting all that use it and just because the government cannot tax or control it they make it illegal.
I asked an American friend of mine what happened to CB? Apparently its alive and well and living in the USA.
Oddly enough yesterday I was driving down I65, Chicago to Indianopolis, and stopped off at a coffee shop - which had a large CB section - rigs, whips, mikes, etc. It seems CB never went away for the US trucker community!
I used to take my C.B. set away to sea with me in the early 1980s. For a 4 watt set the reception and transmission at certain times of the day was out of this world once away from the UK. The best “copy” was with the Island of Guernsey and a guy sat in his “roller skate” on Brighton sea front while I was off the coast of Ghana, west Africa. a distance of some 4000 miles! The UK legal sets were only supposed to have a range of 12-15 miles.
“It was seen as heavy-handedness from a country that up until recently demanded that many long-range amateur radio users take a Morse Code test.”. Until recently it wasn’t by the British, it was an intenational requirement that radio amateurs demonstrated their competence in morse code. That has now been removed. Britain was the first to change its licence, although many countries retain morse code as a requirement for short-wave transmissions by amateurs. CB was intended to be a local community facility. The equipment was low powered and antennas inefficiently short. Unless you lived a a remote area of the country it was a disaster from the start. A basic setup could transmit and receive for many miles and in or near cities the nutcases took over and filled the airwaves with abuse rendering it useless for its original intention. It seems to have been left to lorry drivers and taxi firms now. Many dedicated CB-ers went on Amateur Radio courses and took up that hobby.
However with all types of technology based hobbys of the 60’s 70’s 80’s they have succumbed to the computer and mobile communications. Many young amateurs and “proper” C.B’ers went on to be trained and employed in or Technology based careers.
It became increasingly annoying towards the mid/late eighties to have someone use it as a Radio Station! I remember one Sunday morning whilst trying to chat to a freind, all 40 channels where being used and over half where complete morons! blocking channels with music. one was sending out just bleeps and squeals…At least these days we are only subjected to those who seem to have a passion for it. You listen, you join in….you switch off! easy!
We used CB (FM) in Zambia in the 80’s as communication tools for anti-poaching operations, for free communications and even the Neighbourhood Watch base and operations vehicles used them. Fun to use, but almost valueless in highly built up areas where they require line of sight (unless the weather was ‘with you’). Great fun for a few years, I even used them as late as 1998 at my own safari camp.
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News - Let’s talk about sex in the city
Posted on December 27, 2007
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The Sensorium zone encourages people to explore all the erogenous zones with multi-media models wired to respond to every touch.
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News - Moscow Diary: English Newspeak
Posted on December 26, 2007
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A at a cafe in the Russian capital these days could easily include the words “manager”, “training” and “outsourcing”, to name just three. The chat could take place over a “business lunch”.
If you couldn’t afford your share of the bill, you might look like a “loser”. It might be time to go to the bank for an “overdraft”.
The Russian government has declared 2007 the year of the Russian language. That may be so - but the language as it’s spoken today isn’t 100 per cent, well, Russian.
Michele Berdy is a translator who’s worked here since the 1970s. She has a weekly column in The Moscow Times - the capital’s main English-language newspaper. It gives tips to expats hoping to brush up their vocabulary, and charts the way the language is evolving.
“It’s changed fairly dramatically,” she told me, “mostly because of the influence of English”.
It’s changed dramatically because Russia has changed dramatically. In communist times, you didn’t need a word for “marketing” or “PR” because there wasn’t really any. Now it’s everywhere. So are the English words.
Last year, Ms Berdy wrote about a linguistic experiment from the 1920s. Researchers went to a village in northern Russia and asked people the meaning of the new words which had entered the language in the years after the Bolshevik Revolution of 1917.
The villagers suggested that a communist was someone who didn’t believe in God.
Socialism was “life the new way - dunno, something like the law?”
A “decree” was defined as “the government writing papers”.
I decided to repeat the experiment. I went to Sergiev Posad, a town about two hours’ drive north of Moscow. You couldn’t really imagine a more timeless picture of Russia. Sergiev Posad is one of the centres of the Russian Orthodox Church. Its monastery attracts pilgrims and tourists from across Russia and beyond.
There are blue and gold onion domes rising above walls. Then there’s a restaurant called “American Pie”.
The trouble with some of the new words is that they’re not even really English terms. We can guess what an “image-maker” might do, but we might call them a “spin-doctor” or “PR person”.
Sergiev Posad is the Russian Orthodox heartland
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In Russia today, every would-be mover and shaker needs one, but do ordinary people actually know what it means?
For my experiment, I tried out “image-maker”; “teenager”; and “overdraft” - all words you see and hear regularly in modern Moscow.
Most people did seem to know what an “image-maker” was. One man said it meant “stylist” in Russian - clearly a concept which has come from outside the country.
“Teenager” was easy, too. Most people I asked replied that it meant “adolescent”. Lyudmila stopped for a moment on her way into the monastery. She had a different view. “Teenager? I understand the word. It’s probably got something to do with an office,” she said, fairly confidently.
To be fair to Lyudmila, I suspect she got confused with “manager”. Russia’s post-Soviet youth may be getting used to lives their parents never led, but offices probably don’t figure in the dreams of many of them.
There was a worrying message for the future of Russia’s booming economy.
Only one person of the dozen or so I spoke to knew what an “overdraft” was.
A lot of Russians apparently remain happily isolated from one of the worst evils of capitalism.
What does this all mean? Is it proof that the West won the Cold War? Is it just easier to borrow words for alien concepts from other languages?
Maybe it’s a decision for managers to make over a lengthy business lunch.
“Moscow 2010: no one can work, nowhere to study, nothing to breathe,” was the recent front-page story in Izvestiya.
Moscow has become a victim of the country’s massive economic growth. People are flocking to the city from all over the world’s largest country and beyond.
Now the city authorities are worried about how they’re going to cope. They’ve already had a public information campaign asking people to save electricity.
The challenges they face are common to many contemporary capitals.
Izvestiya says the city’s choice is either to “follow the course of civilised European capitals” or far eastern cities, which it compares to “human anthills”.
Russia has always tried to combine the best of east and west. Will the Moscow of the future be a civilised anthill?
Send your comments in reaction to James Rodgers’ Moscow Diary using the form below.
Your comments:
The composition of Great Russian language had always been a subject for debates among educated portion of population, ever since Pushkin. Russian language is not as systematic as English, or any other European languages, it is a still changing and flexible system.
Olga, New York, NY
On a trip to Russia a few years back, I was surprised to hear a number of distinctly French everyday words (such as “etaazh” for the building floor/level and “magazin” for shop). On reflection, I shouldn’t have been surprised given that speaking French was de rigueur among 19th century continental elites. Maybe Russians were upset about it years ago; but I think they got over it.
Kaushik, New York, US
There are also many Dutch words absorbed in Russian, dating from the time of Czar Peter the Great, who studied Dutch ship building and sea faring practices intensively, and introduced a number of them in Russia.
Bill, Bristol
It’s very easy to paint people who don’t like the invasion of English as parochial, bumpkins, as if it’s only natural that they should start using English. To get an idea of what it feels like, we Brits should always think of those irritating American words adopted by teenagers (it’s nearly always the young). My favourite hate objects are ‘pants’ for trousers, business people talking about ‘growing’ profits, companies etc. (they are not crops!) and, oh yes, ending sentences with rising intonation as if everything were a question.
Andrew, York, England
I enjoyed reading your article. President Putin worries that the Russian language is in danger. I can see that he has some things to worry about and then again he doesn’t. It all depends upon area.
Image-maker makes more sense than Spin Doctor or PR person. But what Russian needs to know what an overdraft is? I don’t and I’m Russian. There’s probably a Russian equivalent. Russia has only just begun to enjoy the blessings of democracy, but the language will stay intact if enough make sure that it does.
Ms F, USA
An article that reflects more bias and narrow views of Russia and other non-western countries. What about the French words in English Business? The use of Raison D’etre to emphasise the reason of existence of the strategic aim of an , or perhaps Laissez faire to reflect a lenient management style, and this can extend to many other words.
The fact is that civilisations evolve over the years sharing their experiences and knowledge with each other.
Jamil, Jordan
I teach English to Russians. Many Russians already have a basic grounding in English from their schools and/or colleges/universities. But the acceptance and use of the English language as the universally used language by practically all countries globally has caused Russians to flock to these schools to upgrade their linguistic skills to improve their job prospects. My students are aged from 20 to 61 years old. Russian businesses are requiring more employees with English language skill sets.
Bruce Grant, expat in Russia
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Sport - Caption Competition 151
Posted on December 24, 2007
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England’s Richard Johnson (centre) claims the wicket of Zimbabwe’s Heath Streak during the second Test at Chester-le-Street.
New cap Johnson made a stunning entrance to top-level cricket by taking six wickets for 33 runs in the first innnings.
The hosts then went on to record a comprehensive innings and 69 run victory over their African opponents to win the series 2-0. We asked you to send in your witty captions as Johnson’s team-mates, Robert Key and Michael Vaughan, join the celebrations. The winner of this week’s BBC Sport Interactive goody bag is… J.P. McGuire of Thailand who came up with this cracker:
Silliness breaks out when everyone realises Johnson had put the false breasts on backwards.
Good work J.P. - a BBC Sport Interactive goody bag is on the way.
We’re now getting so many entries that we’ve decided to arranges them under different themes - hope you like it! Feel free to send us your feedback. And check out the best of the rest below. Totally topical taste Liverpool fan reacts to news that David Beckham is leaving Man Utd. Yes! Justine has been evicted from Big Brother! England enjoy every moment of what it feels like to dominate before their next encounter…the South Africans. Richard Johnson smiles as he knows they’ll never find the sausages he smuggled in between his buttocks. Bowled over As Johnson lets yet another simple catch slip through his fingers, Vaughan is backing up to take the catch himself. Key: ‘Hurry and clear them up Rich, then we can go to lunch early.’ Vaughan: That was a jaffa Rich! Hussain is furious as three of his fielders go for the same catch. I told you I couldn’t bowl that fast without my arms getting stuck! It was all his team-mates could do to prevent newcomer Richard Johnson from trying to bowl over and round the wicket at the same time. Proving unable to catch cricket balls, the England team trained with something a little larger. Look-a-likes
Is that R2D2 on the left? The other players show their admiration for Johnson after he won the Tom Hanks lookalike competition. Following his success as a world class footballer, Zinedine Zidane’s cricket career looked like it was going to be just as rewarding. Robert and Michael prevent a well-disguised Karl Powers from entering the playing area. Paolo Di Canio leaves West Ham to take up cricket. With the world’s eyes on the test at Durham, Richard johnson thinks this is the perfect time to audition for the cheeky girls. Even his team-mates can’t keep their hands off, mistaking him for Gabriela. Eric Cantona manages to barge his way past the bouncers into yet another caption competition. The England boys do their Charlie’s Angels impressions. Rob Key’s attempts to stop Greg Rusedski’s pitch invasion seemed hopeless. Key and Vaughan hold Johnson back from Kung-Fu kicking a member of the crowd. Sticky wicket The bowling’s overarm - the deodorant’s underarm. “What do you mean, I haven’t washed my armpits for weeks?” Johnson refuses to divulge the whereabouts of his anti-perspirant despite a vicious tickling assault by Key and Vaughan. Men’s sweat only attracts other men’s sweat. Sure. Johnson unveiled his new secret power, the deadly armpit vortex! Johnson: “no sweat”. Vaughan: ‘You were right about that deodorant Rich, it’s working like a charm even after six wickets!’ Johnson spies a deodorant marketing manager in the crowd. It’s true! Male sweat does only attract other men. The embarrassed Johnson is carried off the field when the England team realise he has confused his deodorant for a can of hairspray. Michael and Robert can’t help but wish that Richard’s deodorant was as effective as his bowling. You can check if you want. But I tell you it was pretty easy work. Not even a white spot around my underarms! Avoid sweat, attract cricketers. Cap comp classics A cut-out Richard Johnson?! I always wanted one of them! Michael Vaughan and Robert Key move Richard Johnson’s lifesize model into position He won’t be celebrating when he sees what we’ve put on his back. Richard Johnson does the hi-10 with the invisible man. Johnson prepares to be “Tango’d”
Toy boy
Key: “Now, if I press him here he bends over and touches his toes.” Key and Vaughan together, “I told you to bring the batteries”. Every time you pull that loose thread his arms shoot up! I told you we should have used Duracell…. New bionic bowler overheats and is held up for repair. Johnson’s accurate bowling had made Vaughan suspect he was a robot. To his amazement, the sign on his back read “Insert Key here!” Key: “And this switch in his head makes his eyes move from side to side!” Every time you press his tummy, there’s this funny squeaking noise! If you press the green button on your remote control, Johnson’s left arm will hit Vaughan on the head… You hold him steady while I wind him up. Ken Dodd-tastic The hiring of new England cricket coach, Mr Tickle, is already showing positive results. “I declare a tickle fight!” Round and round the garden, Perilous days for planet earth, as the gods decide to give Atlas a good tickling. Stop it, that tickles. “Come on, let’s do it again - round and round the garden….. Vaughan furiously grabs the tickle-stick away from Robert Key. Stop you guys! That really tickles. Dance the night away Richard couldn’t resist his Bhangra urges. Calls for more women in cricket were gaining pace as Key and Vaughan clashed over the last dance. Key and Vaughan struggle to contain Johnson when he hears S Club 7’s reach for the stars on the public address system Come on lads, join in…..Do the Locomotion….. “Fat Les” reform for test series against Zimbabwe. Only the Y-M-C were missing from the routine. Chaos erupts as two England fielders attempt to join the conga at the same point. Johnson’s moment of glory was tarnished by his failed attempt to start a Mexican wave Ok, hands up who brought “Agadoo” and played it in the changing room? Right, get him! “Hey Macarena”. I just can’t get the hang of this ballet! Britain’s newest pop sensation, ‘The Cricketers’ with their cover of YMCA. Bob and Mike decided to entertain the crowd on the fourth day by doing the Heimlich manoeuvre to music. Johnson: ‘Join the ballet lads.’ Flushed by his Test debut success, Johnson decides to have a crack at flamenco dancing. Richard couldn’t resist his Bhangra urges. Sorry Richard, but Nasser says you can’t join in the Mexican wave. “Hands up, baby hands up, give me your heart gimme gimme, your heart gimme gimme”. More YMCA than LBW! Johnson “It’s fun to play at the Cheeeeeesta-le-Street”. The Mexican wave got off to a bad start The filming of the new Bacardi Breezer advert seemed to be going well. Everybody in the house say ‘Yeah!’ England’s ‘S Club 7′ tribute dance was so complicated, only Johnson got the hang of it. Hands up, baby hands up! Give me your heart, gimme gimme your heart, gimme gimme all your love! Regulars’ banter Si Griffin is warmly welcomed back to the Caption Comp fold after a short toilet break. Zimbabwe’s batsmen were bemused by the new Caption Competition arrangement, and Johnson took full advantage. Si Griffin is held hostage by fellow captioners, but still manages to submit a few entries via semaphore. Johnson goes into a “we are not worthy” routine due to BBC Caption Competition judges’ excellent categorisation idea. YAY! Stephen Tucker has finally won the BBC Cap Comp! Yeah, playing Test cricket is a bit like the Cap Comp. A flurry of published articles on the first day, nothing in the middle part, and a flurry of articles again in the last few hours on the last day. Another sportsman proves his lack of stigmata. Si Griffin, Caption Competition Grand Master, shown here displaying how many captions he enters per hour, is mobbed by adoring BBC Cap Comp judges. The boys are ecstatic at ousting Henman from the Cap Comp picture. The lads are jubilant at the news that Sarah L has okayed the photo. The longsighted palm reader clearly has better news for Johnson than he did for Henman. Yay! No stupid “kick me quick” captions! With Si Griffin M.I.A it’s open season for the coverted prize of most captions entered. Johnson realises he’s won the BBC Sport Interactive goody bag. The England players celebrate Rob Falconer and Clare Daniele’s record partnership for the number of entries in the caption competition OK, hands up John Lewis, we know you’ve got your unabridged Alan Coren caption writing dictionary in there somewhere! Johnson, like Henman in the previous Caption Competition, proves once and for all the he does not have hairy palms. Key: “That’s it Richard, stay there and Rob Falconer is sure to think of another witty caption for this, perhaps if I just touch your breast… ouch!” Cap Comp judges celebrate their reduced work load, as Si Griffin appears to be on holiday… I’m telling you, I’ll buy the drinks, but you won’t find my wallet! The world watches in astonishment as cricket’s first Siamese twins take to the field. Hands on faith healers work miracle for man with two broken arms. Richard Johnson celebrates after being told he will not go on England’s next Winter tour. His secret identity compromised, Superman was kept from flying away by the “Mad Hatters”. Johnson had clearly enjoyed himself on the Chester-le-Street Death slide. “Turn round Richard mate - Mecca’s in that direction.” After a few beers, Johnson would often try and gate-crash other people’s celebrations. OK Robert, you grab his undies and we’ll give him a wedgie!!” Silliness breaks out when everyone realises Johnson had put the false breasts on backwards. Johnson’s celebration at entering the Guinness Book of Records for longest time with a ferret in your whites continued during Key and Vaughan’s frantic effort to remove the dizzy creature. Field maintenance team at Chester-le-street are surprised what popped up after the use of Miracle Grow. After 24 hrs on the rack Richard ‘Shorty’ Johnson is stretched to bowler size. Suddenly Richard spotted Alice Cooper in the crowd and launched into his “We’re not worthy” routine. “Sorry son, arms up, you’re under arrest. You’re going back to OZ, no-one is THAT good in England.” After bowling naked for seven overs Johnson is finally forced to get dressed by Key and Vaughan. Birthday boy gets nasty shock when male stripper jumps out of cake. After being bet that he could not carry two of his team members across the out field, Richard Johnson finally puts Key and Vaughan down. “And stretch - 4
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Yes! Justine has been evicted from Big Brother!
Hereford
Mitesh Shah, England
Phil,
Hereford, England
Brandon, London
Gareth, Hertfordshire
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Hussain is furious as three of his fielders go for the same catch.
Edinburgh
Tim Taylor, Wimbledon
Savio Moniz, London
Johnson: Ooh yay! Food! I like the orangey stuff in the middle!
Ben Pearce, Bristol
Justin Goodrich,
Edinburgh
Tom, London
Jim Brant, Daventry, UK
Lizzie F, London, UK
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Eric Cantona manages to barge his way past the bouncers into yet another caption competition.
Mitesh Shah,
England
Tom, England
Luke Bennett, Nuneaton
Bobby Ryder, Solihull
Bobby Ryder,
Solihull
Andy,
Merseyside
Jeremy Dallyn, Finland
Mike R, Durham Uni
Steve Shorthose,
Scotter
Gareth,
Hertfordshire
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Avoid sweat, attract cricketers.
Wigan
Nick B,
london
Gareth, Hertfordshire
Underarm magnets prove too powerful to resist for Vaughan and Key despite hideous odour.
Mike Goudge, U.K.
Mike Goudge, U.K.
Paul,
London, UK
TJ Winfield, Bristol
Michelle Tulett,
Selby, North Yorkshire
TJ Winfield,
Bristol
Richard Pasco, UK
Colin Russell,
UK
Steve, London, UK
James Sutherland, Nailsea, Somerset
R Thanawalla, Scotland, UK
Rob Payne,
Wigan
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Another accident with the superglue results in male bonding.
Richard Pasco, Reading, Uk
Trevor, Preston, UK
Another accident with the superglue results in male bonding.
I. Diot, England
Mark Endicott, Bristol
Ben Dunbar, England
James Atkinson,
Sheffield, UK
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Johnson’s accurate bowling had made Vaughan suspect he was a robot. To his amazement, the sign on his back read “Insert Key here!”
Ben Dunbar,
Manchester, U.K.
Garry Waddell, UK
Rob Falconer, Wales
John Lewis,
Finland
Pete, Manchester,
UK
Ollie B, Southampton UK
Brendan O’Donnell, Lytham St.Annes, England
Rob Falconer, Wales
Ryan Spencer, Hertfordshire
Barry Payne,
Cleethorpes
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Perilous days for planet earth, as the gods decide to give Atlas a good tickling.
Michael, Perth, Australia
To give Zimbabwe a chance, the English fielders resorted to tickling each other when going up for a catch.
Si Griffin, UK
Brian Lang,
Chicago, USA
Like a teddy bear.
One step, two step…..
Frances Gregory,
Poland
Si Griffin, UK
James Sutherland,
Nailsea, Somerset
Kevin Darley, Selby, England
Tim Taylor, Wimbledon
Rutang T,
Scotland, UK
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Ibi, London
Mike Cummins, Prescot, UK
Bobby Ryder,
Solihull
James Atkinson, Sheffield, UK
Andy Tulloch,
Hemel Hempstead
Si Griffin, UK
Kevin Jones,
Coventry
Steve Godrich, UK
Ben Westoby,
Grantham
Richard Chapman,
High Wycombe
Harry, Perth, Australia
Garry Waddell, UK
Hemia Jayasuriya,
Woking
John Lewis, Finland
Martin Mills,
Morpeth
Mark Mullaly, Birmingham, UK
James Vincent, Doncaster
Steve Boyde,
Barrow
Michelle Tulett, Selby, North Yorkshire
Graham McD,
Livingston
Natalie Boardman,
Natalie Boardman,
Martin Mills, Morpeth
Roger, Teesside
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Yeah, playing Test cricket is a bit like the Cap Comp. A flurry of published articles on the first day, nothing in the middle part, and a flurry of articles again in the last few hours on the last day.
Mike Goudge, UK
Martin Mills, Morpeth
Si Griffin, UK
Mike Goudge, U.K.
Stephen Tucker, USA
Mitesh Shah, England
Some guy from Morpeth,
Morpeth
Mike Goudge,
U.K.
C. Hunter, England
C. Hunter, England
Si Griffin, UK
Richard Pasco,
Uk
Mike Goudge, U.K.
Gareth, Hertfordshire
Alan ball, NZ
Jeremy Dallyn, Finland
Mike Goudge, U.K.
TJ Winfield, Bristol
John Lewis, Finland
Say what you see
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Silliness breaks out when everyone realises Johnson had put the false breasts on backwards.
Thailand
Mike Gant, Leeds
Andy Tulloch, Hemel Hempstead
Mike Goudge, U.K.
Kevin Tracey, Scotland
Neal Berridge, UK
Martin Mills, Morpeth
simon, hitchin
James Wiffen, Chelmsford, Essex
Jeff Gill, UK
J.P. McGuire,
Thailand
Michael Bate,
Mullingar, Ireland
Mike Goudge, UK
Mike Goudge, UK
Mark Mullaly, Birmingham, UK
Rick Baker, Grimsby, UK
Mike Goudge, U.K.
Mitesh Shah, England
Mike Goudge,
U.K.
